


Fish Out of Water

by whatwhatwhatttttt



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Compliant, Dyslexia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Learning Disabilities, M/M, OT5 Friendship, Sad Liam, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, kinda self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:34:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2050092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatwhatwhatttttt/pseuds/whatwhatwhatttttt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He came up with a system. For each word he got wrong, he got a punishment. It was easy. No sweets if he mixed up his y’s and g’s. An extra hour of workouts if he wrote a letter backwards. Cold showers when he misordered the letters in a word (c then h makes “cha” not the other way around you idiot.)</p><p>Where 1D Day is approaching fast, and Liam isn't so sure he'll be able to read the teleprompter in time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fish Out of Water

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops I should probably be working on Hard Out Here, but I saw the "soar loser" tweet, and I couldn't get dyslexic!Liam out of my head. Have some whump and enjoy!

They were hanging around at Liam’s apartment when Harry proposed it: 1D Day. He explained the concept in his slow lazy drawl, “It’s like, a way to give back to the fans, see? I mean, they’d get to be with us for a whole day.”

Louis nodded along enthusiastically, which wasn’t shocking at all. He always went along with Harry’s ideas. “Yeah! That’d be so wicked, we should do it.”  
  
And so they bounced around the idea some more, trying to decide what they could include, when it could be, etc. It was a bit of a pipe dream and really it was doubtful that management would actually approve, but they didn’t have anything better to do. At some point Zayn lit up a blunt and from there their plans became more than a little outlandish. “We could have, like, a fair or something, like, in the studio. That’d be so awesome,” said the dark haired boy, his gaze hazy and unfocused.

Niall, who was lounging at Zayn’s feet, said, “Why don’t we call management?” and that was that. Modest! said they had to think about it, but they all knew that was pretty much a go ahead. Louis cheered and pumped his fist, Zayn took a celebratory hit, and Liam’s face split into a big grin. It was going to be amazing.

xxx

A week later found them sitting in management’s office. Some staff member was eagerly explaining that 1D Day was a go, talking to them about the date it was set for and what was expected of them. Liam wasn’t going to lie, he had tuned the guy out about 30 minutes into the meeting, but that didn’t stop him from catching the tail end of his speech. “...obviously, there’ll be a teleprompter going that you’ll read from.”  
  
“What?” Liam asked, before he could stop himself. The room’s attention focused on him and he shrunk a little in his seat. “I mean, sorry? I didn’t catch that.”  
  
“I said, we don’t expect you guys to be able to improvise for an entire day. We’ll have scheduled events, and when you’re not being interviewed you’ll be reading from a teleprompter.”  
  
Liam didn’t  even think it was over dramatic to say his life flashed before his eyes.

xx

Liam was in grade 1 when he found out about people wearing glasses. Suzie, who had loudly declared that the two of them were dating and in love, was the one to tell him. “It’s so I can see,” she said, smiling wide to reveal that she was missing both her front teeth. “Everything is all messed up without them.” Liam thought that was brilliant, and asked if he could try them on. She handed them over (afterall, they were dating, what was hers was his) and he jammed them on his face. He quickly ran and grabbed a book, flipping open to a random page. “Well, do they work?” Suzie asked.

He tried not to sound too disappointed, “No, they don’t work for me.”

In grade 2 his teacher asked him if he’d like to do a special test. Liam, who was always eager to please, even from such a young age, agreed readily. The teacher sat him down in a small room and gave him a sheet of paper. “Can you read this to me?” she said, smiling sweetly at him. He did his best, even though the words looked all weird and scrambled and he stumbled a lot. “Okay, can you look at these cards love?” She pulled out a stack of flashcards and asked him to tell her the letters on each one. After he had finished she ruffled his hair, and told him they could go back to class.

That day after school she made him and his parents stay. “I think Liam is dyslexic,” she said, causing him to furrow his brow with confusion.

“What’s dis-lek-sik?” He asked, but no one answered him.

“Are you sure?” said his mother, her face set in a grim mask. His teacher nodded.

Two days later his mom knelt down in front of him before he went to school. “Liam, you’re going to a different class now,” she said. Liam didn’t understand, he didn’t want to switch classes. His lip trembled as he tried to accept the news. “Oh sweetie,” she said, “don’t cry. It’ll be better. It’ll help with your reading! Don’t you want to learn how to read?” Liam shrugged and looked away. He didn’t want to lose his friends.

Regardless of what Liam wanted, he did wind up in the new class. He didn’t like it there. Everyone was weird and no one wanted to be his friend. At recess he went to talk to Suzie. “Ew!” she screeched, “Liam you’re in the freaky class now, don’t talk to me!”

The kids around them laughed meanly, and his fate was sealed.

After that the bullying started. At first it was just names, but as he got older it escalated. He begged his parents to take him out of Spec. Ed. but they refused. Not until he could read, they said. He poured all his energy into his tests, into school, struggling through every mixed up b and d and backwards letter.

In the summer of grade 7 he met a new boy, Jimmy, who was freckly, and scrawny, and had white blonde hair. They became friends, and then more than friends.  When their parents weren’t around they held hands and pressed shy kisses to eachothers skin. At the end of the break Jimmy asked if Liam thought they’d have classes together. Red-faced, he told Jimmy that he was in Spec. Ed. “But why? You seem alright to me,” said the boy.

Liam explained dyslexia and how his parents wouldn’t let him and how he still couldn’t make it through a book that wasn’t written in comic sans and Jimmy said, “I have a plan.”  
  
That’s how Liam wound up back in regular school. He pleaded with his parents for just a week of normal school, just to see if he could do it. They reluctantly agreed. Then, he sat down on the first day of class right next to Jimmy. Tests were a lot easier with the light haired boy murmuring the words to Liam. They developed their own way of writing for passing notes, using a special style so that Liam could read them. At the same time, he took up boxing lessons, and started to fight back against his bullies. By the end of the year he had an actual circle of friends, although only Jimmy knew about his secret.

The summer before highschool Jimmy moved away. Liam wasn’t too worried though, by now he had enough friends that he knew he could skate by. He cheated on most of his tests, getting the smarter people in his class to tell him the answers. He became very good at persuading people. Halfway through the year he auditioned for the x-factor. He knew that he would never be able to get a normal job, and he was aware that he was good at singing. When he was turned down by Simon he was crushed, but not deterred. He poured his heart into becoming the best singer in the world, clinging to his dream like a lifeline.

And then x-factor 2010 had happened and One Direction was formed and everything was great. As they got more and more popular he started to forget about his worries with reading and writing. He passed off his mistakes on twitter as just bad spelling, and no one questioned why he never read the lyrics to a song, instead choosing to listen to it over and over.

One direction got impossibly bigger after they were cut from the x-factor, and suddenly they were recording and touring and traveling all over the world. Somewhere along the lines they all became best friends and Liam still didn’t really know how that happened but it did and through all of it he never told them he was dyslexic. There were moments, of course, where he considered it, but every time his mind flashed back to little Suzie, turning her nose up in disgust. He and Louis started writing together and unanimously decided that Liam would not write, because his spelling was “atrocious.” Liam didn’t point out that there was no way in a million years he would ever be able to spell that. Still, they worked well together and everyone got along and things were great.

Until now.

xx

Liam tried to pretend he wasn’t having a panic attack at the idea of having to read off a teleprompter. Honestly, he thought he was doing a good job, until Zayn said, “You alright babe? You’re looking a little ill.”

“Yeah, yeah! I’m fine. Actually, I’m feeling a little poorly. I might be sick. I think I should go,” he said, firing off sentences at a rapid pace. “Don’t wait up, I’m gonna get a ride back to mine.” He all but ran out the door, ignoring the odd looks everyone was sending him.

xx

No one actually questioned him about his behavior, for which he considered himself lucky. It didn’t solve his problem though, and he started to think about it every second that he was free. It was like some weird obsession, every time they drove by a road sign, every time he saw a phone book in the hotel drawer. He couldn’t stop fretting, and 1D Day was drawing ever near. Covertly, he turned to the internet. How to stop being dyslexic, he searched. He was linked over and over to “dyslexic aids” like special fonts, or tools that read text out loud. He wanted to scream in frustration. One late night, he ordered “Managing Dyslexia: For Dummies” from amazon and had it sent express delivery to their next hotel. He picked it up as soon as they arrove, tucking it under his jacket like some naughty porn mag. Of course, when he opened it up he realized his idiocy. It was a book. It was a book with _words_. He could barely make it through a page without getting a headache.

He started practicing, late at night when the boys wouldn’t catch him. It was easier when he had a hotel room, though he still had to wait until he was fairly certain the others were asleep. They all had keys to eachothers’ rooms, and the idea of someone barging in while he was staring morosely at flash cards was awful. He looked up kids’ books online, trying not to turn red with embarrassment at the fact that he could barely make it through “See Dick run.”

This continued for a few weeks, but to no avail. If anything, it had only served to make him tired. All the late nights were taking a toll on him, and he found himself being increasingly snappy and irritable. This didn’t escape the boys’ notice either. Niall pulled him aside one night after a concert, “Everything alright man?”  
  
Liam shrugged him off, pleaded a bad headache and a bit of a cold. The irish boy didn’t look very convinced, but he didn’t push it either. That night, Liam lay awake in his room, trying desperately to copy a paragraph correctly. Eventually, he resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t do it. A deep despair took root in his chest. What was he going to do? He couldn’t bear the thought of having to tell the boys, or worse, management. People would think he was stupid. A little voice piped up in the back of his head: But you are stupid. You’re nearly twenty and you can’t even read. Liam groaned and rubbed his eyes, he just needed to work harder.

xxx

He came up with a system. For each word he got wrong, he got a punishment. It was easy. No sweets if he mixed up his y’s and g’s. An extra hour of workouts if he wrote a letter backwards. Cold showers when he misordered the letters in a word (c then h makes “cha” not the other way around you idiot.) But it wasn’t enough. No matter how hard he worked, he still messed up. I just need worse punishments, he thought to himself. What though? What could he do to motivate himself? The answer came to him unexpectedly, while he was in his hotel. He had spent the last hour straining his brain trying to read a newspaper article. Frustrated, he stood and ran a hand through his hair. He looked at himself in the mirror, taking note of his bloodshot eyes and pale skin. His punishments were taking a toll on him. Suddenly, he was filled with a blinding anger. It wasn’t fair, that he was stuck not being able to read. He didn’t want to be stupid. As the rage filled his body he turned, and without thinking about it he drove his fist into the wall. “Fuck!” He yelped, because the wall was a lot sturdier than he expected. Pain shot up his arm. He tried to move his fingers, only to groan. His knuckles were bleeding.   
  
He went to the bathroom and gingerly washed his hand off. It throbbed, an angry red color that was sure to fade purple by the morning. Whatever, he thought, he could just say he banged it on something. He collapsed into his bed, exhausted by the night's events.

xxx

He woke up the next morning to pulsing pain shooting up his arm. Slowly, he sat up, and looked down at his hand. What he saw was not a pleasant sight. “Holy shit,” he muttered, staring down at the mess that should have been his hand. It had swollen at least twice its original size during the night. He attempted to move his fingers, and had the air punched out of him for it. It really fucking hurt. There was no way he could hide this from the boys.   
  
Of course, because timing is a bitch, that was when said boys came running into his room. “Liam!” shouted Louis, and before Liam could do anything he had a lapful of the energetic boy. He couldn’t stop the small shout of pain from escaping him when Louis bumped his arm. “What’s the matter?”

The other boys, who had come into the room at a more normal pace, turned their attention to Liam. Harry was the one who noticed it first. “Jesus, Li,” he said, sounding half shocked and awed. “Who did you punch?”

Liam couldn’t stop his gaze from flicking over to the dent in the wall. Zayn, being an observant shithead, did not let this go. “You punched the wall?” he asked, sounding somewhat incredulous. Liam didn’t blame him. It wasn’t exactly his style to get violent. He shrugged his shoulders.

“You need to get that checked out,” said Louis.

“I’ve already texted Paul,” Niall chimed in. “He and a medic are on the way.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, guys, seriously.”

“That,” said Harry, gesturing to the mass that was Liam’s hand, “is not fine. What were you punching walls for anyway?”

Liam didn’t answer.

xxx

“It’s broken alright,” said the medic. “Fractured, most likely.” Liam felt shame course through him. This was going to affect how well he could perform. He was messing things up. “I’m going to put your fingers in splints, but there’s not much more to be done for broken knuckles. Maybe try and avoid punching things.”

After the medic and Paul left the other boys crowded around him for a cuddle. He wound up in the middle of the gentlest dog pile he had ever experienced. Zayn was soothingly stroking his hair, curled up against his back. Niall and Harry lay snuggled against his front, and Louis was draped over his legs. “What’s going on Liam?” asked Zayn quietly. “You’ve been looking poorly for awhile, and now you go and break your hand on a wall?”  
  
Liam refuses to meet any of their eyes. “It’s nothing,” he said, ignoring the way the boys sighed at his response. “Seriously, I’m fine, just touring has been stressing me out. You know how it is.”  
  
“Well thank you for that bullshit,” said Louis snappily, then, more softly, he added, “if you ever want to tell us the truth we’re here for you.”  
  
xxx

Liam didn't tell them the truth. He continuedto study late at night, having discovered a new way to punish himself. For every word wrong, he rapped his bad hand on the wall. Not too hard, but hard enough that it hurt like a bitch. Six weeks after breaking it the medic checked him out once again. “It’s bizarre,” he said. “It should be half healed by now… Have you been keeping it iced? Making sure not to use it?”  
  
“Yeah,” Liam lied smoothly.

“Well it’s really not coming along well,” said the man, frowning. “Just try and be careful.”  
  
Of course he couldn't keep the status of his hand from the boys, as Paul was quick to update them. They became extra cautious around Liam, both on and offstage. “No no, I’ll get it,” shouted Niall, practically shoving Liam out of the way when he tries to reach for a water bottle. Liam glared at the Irish lad, unimpressed. He had been reaching for it with his good hand.

The boys spendspent all their time around him making him sit very still so as not to aggravate his injury. It was cute for all of one day, and then it got annoying. He could barely get any time alone.

One night he was sitting up in the lounge area, trying to read on his phone. It’s 4am, so he had no real concern that the boys will come see him. He misstepped on a word, and, without even thinking about it, knocked his hand into the window.

"Shit, fuck, ow." He groaned, as the pain shot through his nerves. He took a breath to compose himself, then slammed it back again. The air was punched from his lungs.

“What the fuck?” he heard a voice hiss from the shadows.

Startling, he shot out of his seat. “Louis! What are you doing up?”  
  
“What are you doing Liam? This is why your hands not healing? Because you’re what, reinjuring it or something?”

“What? No! It was an accident!” exclaimed Liam. “I didn’t-”  
  
“I just saw you!” shouted Louis, and now the other boys were waking up.

“What’s going on?” asked Harry, appearing in the lounge doorway. Niall and Zayn’s head popped behind him.

“What’s going on is Liam’s been fucking up his hand on purpose.” Louis snarled. “I just saw him do it.”  
  
Liam shrank back as the others turned to look at him. “It’s not like that,” he said weakly.  
  
“Li,” said Zayn, “what’s it like then?”

He didn’t really have anything to say to that. Harry took his silence as an opportunity to speak. “Is this like, a self-harm thing?”

“No! I’m not fucking cutting myself!”

“That’s not the only way you can self-harm,” said Niall softly. “Liam, just tell us what’s going on. Please.”  
  
“Nothing is going on!” he snapped, “I’m fine.”  
  
“Okay, you want to be like that? From now on, one of us is with you at all times,” Louis said.  
  
“What are you talking about?” Liam asked, exasperated. “I don’t need a babysitter.”  
  
“Clearly you do. If you’re not going to tell us what’s up with you then we clearly can’t trust you. I for one, am not going to sit by while you hurt yourself.”

The others nodded in agreement. Louis marched over to Liam defiantly and pushed him down onto the couch. “Get used to us being around a whole lot,” he said.

xxx

Four hours later and Louis still hadn’t left his side. Grunting, Liam stood up and made his way to the back of the bus. Louis followed. “Fuck off, Lou, I’m going to pee.” The older boy simply crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. “You can’t be serious.”  
  
“I most certainly am. Don’t be embarrassed, I’ve seen your prick plenty of times before.”  
  
“I am not going to the bathroom with you.”  
  
“Okay, then I guess we can go talk to Paul about getting you into a rehab center. We’ll postpone the tour.”  
  
“Don’t you think you’re being just a little melodramatic? For Christ’s sake, it’s a bruised hand now fucking slit wrists.” Liam exclaimed angrily.

“You’re hurting yourself either way, Payno.” Louis said, his face going soft. Liam gritted his teeth and walked into the bathroom, his friend trailing behind.

xxx

Without his hand being an option anymore, Liam resorted back to his original punishments. He managed to find time to try and read, even with the boys breathing down his neck. Writing was trickier; the idea of the boys finding his pathetic attempts at spelling was humiliating. He barely ever got a chance to practice. The only privacy he got was when he showered, and only because the boys checked him over once he stepped out.  
  
A week into his supervision he was standing in the stall of doom. He had told himself going in that he had to stay for 25 minutes, one for every word he messed up the night before. The icy water stung like bullets as it rained down on his back and neck. His teeth were chattering. He didn’t even notice when the door opened. “Liam?” Niall called, raising his voice to be heard over the running water. “Jesus Christ, it’s cold in here,” he said, as he pulled back the curtain.  
  
Liam jerked forward, attempting to both turn off the water and cover himself. “What the hell?” exclaimed Niall, taken in Liam’s miserable and shivering form. “Were you…?” Understanding lit up in the irish boy’s eyes. “You’re freezing,” he said flatly, grabbing a nearby towel. He guided Liam out to the room, sitting him on the bed. Liam felt a bit numb to be honest, but that probably had more than a little to do with how cold he was.

He had been sitting for less than a minute when the door to the room opened. “What’s the emergency?” Harry asked, as he, Zayn, and Louis entered.

“I ducked into the bathroom to take a piss.” Niall said flatly, “It was freezing.”  
  
The boys looked confused. “Feel how cold he is!” exclaimed the blonde boy. “He practically gave himself hypothermia!”  
  
Comprehension dawned on his bandmates’ faces. “Christ, Liam!” shouted Zayn.

Louis looked at him coolly, then walked past him to the bedside table. He picked up Liam’s phone. “What are you doing Lou?” he said slowly, trying not to let his teeth chatter.

“I’m getting to the bottom of this,” the boy replied grimly.

Liam realized a split second too late what Louis was doing. “No!” he yelled, “Louis don’t you fucking touch that!” He lunged towards his friend, but was held off by Zayn and Harry. “Louis!”

It was no use, Louis unlocked his phone. They all knew eachothers’ passwords. “Don’t!” he cried. He knew the exact moment that Louis did though. His face scrunched up in confusion, and then softened.

“Oh Liam,” he said. “This is what’s been eating you?”  
  
Liam’s face was burning with embarrassment. He was standing there, naked except for a towel, shivering, being restrained, and now, Louis knew. Louis knew. His eyes stung as he tried not to cry. He focused his gaze on a spot on the wall. “Can you please just fucking leave it?” he said thickly.

“Leave what? Anyone want to clue us in?” Zayn said, clearly annoyed at being left out of the loop.  
  
“He’s dyslexic.” Liam’s body snapped back at the word, as if he’d been physically hit.

“I’m not,” he said brokenly. “I’m _not_.” Now he was crying, his good hand balled into a fist. He rubbed angrily at his eyes.

“Li, we don’t care though. Why didn’t you just tell us?” asked Harry, his face twisted in confusion. “There’s nothing wrong with-”

Liam laughed, a bitter and angry sound. “Nothing wrong with it? I’m an idiot! I can’t even read a fucking kid’s book!”

The boys pressed in against him, pulling him down on the bed for a group hug, “You are not an idiot,” Zayn said fiercely.”You are our best friend. You’re funny, and interesting, and brave, and _smart_. Whether or not you can read has nothing to do with it.”

Embarrassed, Liam pressed his face tight into Niall’s chest. “We mean it Li,” said the irish boy. “We wouldn’t survive a minute without you.” Liam let out an embarrassing noise, his breath hitching. Despite their kind words he felt even worse, he was pathetic.

xxx

It took a while, but things started to get better. Liam quietly confessed one night that it was 1D Day that had started his downward spiral. Louis had been quick to jump in, “We’ll cancel it then!”  
  
“No, no, we can’t do that,” said Liam, “the fans…”  
  
“The fans will have to deal.”  
  
“Wait,” said Harry slowly, “I have an idea.”  
  
Management was more than happy to buy Liam an earpiece, which would relay what he needed to say to him. The other boys could still use the teleprompter.

Liam tried not to get too teary when he received the news, he had been more than a little emotional lately.

One night, Louis came and found him in his bunk. “Is that why people were so shit to you in school?” He asked softly, cuddled up against Liam’s side. Liam nodded, and then inexplicably he found himself talking. He talked about Suzie, and the bullies, and Spec. Ed. Then, he took a deep breath and told Louis about Jimmy. The older boy lay beside him quietly until he was finished, then rolled over so that they were face to face. He reached up and brushed a hand across Liam’s face. “Jimmy sounds like a good guy,” he murmured. He leaned forward and kissed Liam, just a small peck to his lips. “I could be a good guy too.”  
  
“Louis, you already are.” Liam said, a smile dancing in his eyes. Then they stopped talking, because their mouths were a little preoccupied.

xxx

“You two are sickening,” said Niall cheerfully, watching Liam and Louis make out on a couch.  
  
Louis looked up from where he had been busy ravaging Liam’s neck. “Jealous,” he sing-songed.

“Come on, stop making out, we have to go,” Zayn said, rolling his eyes. “You’re gonna make us late.”  
  
Huffing, Louis slid off of his boyfriend’s lap. “Fine, fine, we’re coming.”  
  
Smiling, Harry slid up between the two of them, grabbing them in a hug. “We’re gonna kill it.”  
  
Liam fidgeted nervously, “Let’s hope.”

A staff member gestured to them, their signal to go on. Together they stepped out from behind the curtain. “Welcome to the very first 1D Day!” shouted the host.

The crowd roared, and Liam smiled despite himself. Everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
